"Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children"
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
"i souport publik edekasion."
Friends are like condoms, they're always there when things get hard.
Crazyness is being one McNugget short of a happy meal
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening-this wasn't it
One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead men stood up to fight, three blind men to see fair play, forty mutes to yell hooray, back to back they faced eachother, drew their swords and shot eachother
If you treat a woman like an object thats just wrong, but if you treat an object like a woman thats just disgusting!
Its only funny till someone gets hurt...then its halarious!
How many hot, rich, funny, sweet, guys are out there? Two but their dating eachother.
Cheerleaders are happy, happiness s*cks, Cheerleader clap, they look like ducks, They think they're all that an a bag of chips, Well actually there a bunch of dits!
If toast always lands butter side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?
Birdy birdy in the sky, why did you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap, oh my gosh its birdy crAp!
I still miss my ex, but my aim is improvingI ran into my ex the other day...put it in reverse and hit him again!
As an older, more mature adult, your job is to...make fun of the little kids!
Ociffer I swear to drunk I'm not God!
Last night I was looking up at the stars and I was wondering, where the heck is my ceiling?
God created men first because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece
You laugh because I'm differnt, I laugh because you're all the sameAlcoholic slimfast- not only do you look better, but so do other people
We're all going to die someday so why not just kill ourselves now?
Have a nice day, thanks but I have other plans
Me no here, me go bye, leave me message, me reply
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorroid when its inside your @ss?
Do Roman parametics refer to IVs are fours?
What do you say when someone says you're in denile but you're really not
Have ex-cowboys become derranged?
Why does Sea World have sea food restuarant?
I'm half way though my meal and I relized, oh my god...I could be eating a slow learner
A mind is is terrible thing to waste thats why I safe mine for special occations
This website may not be idiot proof but at least its dimwit resisant
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings
Don't play with your food especially if you've already eaten it
Don't take life so seriously, its not perminant
If we are what we eat then I'm easy, fast and cheap
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library and the Ronald Reagen Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Book Store
F U cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
For sale: Parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain
When man discovered mil came from cows, what did he think he was doing?
Some people are only here because its illigal to kill
Follow your dreams, except the one where you're at school in your underware
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of b!tch
Why do we call it taking a dump, shouldn't it be leaving a dump?
If quizes are quizical what are tests?
If you take an oriental person and spin them around a few times does he become disoriented?The word of the day is 'legs' lets go back and spread the word
Hey lets have a party and invite your 'pants' down
As I said before, I never repeat myself
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them
Life is uncertain, eat dessert first